What Transition Won’t (And Will Not) Do

What Transition Won’t (And Will Not) Do

Transition, as many transgender people know, can help alleviate (maybe even eradicate) your gender dysphoria and that, with time, you’ll be able to eventually move on with your life. Would have been true for me if gender dysphoria was the only thing holding me back from living the good life. And it definitely isn’t. In fact, despite not having top surgery yet, it’s the least of my problems now.

With every testosterone shot, I’ve been slowly realizing that I need help (and have needed it for quite some time now). It’s like testosterone pushing gender dysphoria to the back of my mind and replace it with stuff that should have been dealt with but have remained unresolved and continues to affect me negatively. I’ve put it off for a while thinking that it’s nothing but I realized it’s something transition and hormones can’t fix. Unemployed and depressed at 24 with no general direction, I needed to seek professional help. I can’t keep putting bandages on these emotional scars and expect something to happen to get me out of this hole.

So I found a therapist. Every session so far has brought me to the brink of tears and hearing the voice of my inner child – a voice crying out to be healed. Healing is very uncomfortable, what with bringing up memories that I thought didn’t affect me, but I figure it has to be done or I’ll never achieve some semblance of self-actualization.

Everyday, I have a hard time waking up, I hear criticism in the back of my mind and I just deal with everything passively – which I learned from my new therapist that it isn’t healthy for me to do that. And I know it’s not but yet I continue on with these patterns not knowing why I’m stuck that way – heck, I’ve been stuck since I entered college because education was all I knew and I heard everyday from my parents that I was not good enough. Now I’m in this weird limbo of being a perpetual teenage whose afraid of being an adult with a broken record playing in my head about how stupid I am, how useless, doesn’t know anything. And worst of all, I’m deathly afraid of failure. Despite all this, I know that, at my age, being responsible, separating from the parents, having a job, having your own life is something that I have to do but I just don’t feel like I can do it. I don’t know but I know something needs to change.

Despite these circumstances, there’s probably hope out there for me. Maybe it’s not too late.

2 thoughts on “What Transition Won’t (And Will Not) Do

  1. Honestly, “success” in life is a very personal thing and probably not related to age. Lots of people push their problems back into their psyche until a later age, or something happens to trigger events that they haven´t processed yet. Whether you are 24 or 40, it is possible that you need to take a pause and examine what´s holding you back. Hope the therapy brings you the progress you want 🙂

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  2. Are you me??? Ok but seriously, I get what you are saying. Underneath all the “issues” with being trans is a copious amount of suppressed terrible memories, experiences, and feelings. It blows. Therapy can feel like asking someone to punch you, because it really does hurt sometimes. Hang in there, working through the “bad feelings” we hold onto should lead to a much healthier outlook on life. (That’s what I keep hearing, anyway 😂) best of luck in therapy!

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